my birthday does this to me ...

i posted on twitter today that my birthday (and holidays as well) makes me all reflective, become in tune with my feelings and all that shit.  most of you know that i have always been a strong proponent of reflection, but most of the time, i never can take things or my life that serious.  i laugh or joke about everything, sometimes it makes people close to me say, "what's wrong with you?" over and over.  i'm used to it, i don't ever take it personal.

the beginning of this year marked a lot of change for me.  to be quite honest, i was able to see most of them coming as the end of 2011 approached.  it was just a matter of one more careful scrutiny before action took place.  this past sunday, i caught up with one of my girl friends, who i haven't seen in about a year and a half as she has been going through some tough times herself.  i always find it amazing that the people who truly know me the most, no matter how many days, weeks, months and years i haven't seen them in person, they truly can tell my core and always knows what goes on inside my head.  i told her that i am no longer with the guy i was with the past 4 years and she said, "you know, he seemed really nice but somehow, i never saw the two of you together... forever."  i asked her why she thought that way and she said, "you were both practical and independent and that's good, but there was something that i've always seen in you that wasn't there.  i can't describe it, you're different in this relationship."  i can't really interpret what she said, but that got me thinking, especially after seeing "500 days of summer" on cable tv again.

i knew what she was talking about, sadly.  as much as being pragmatic and independent were qualities i found attractive in the opposite sex, i realized that someone cannot let me fall into that habit all the time.  i need someone to challenge my independence and pragmatic nature, not necessarily change them, but not always let it be my default nature.  i remember asking one time "why do you love me?" and i got the response that "you let me be who i am."  at that time i thought that was a good enough answer.  after being away from this past relationship for a while, i realized i wanted to hear more than just those words.  believe it or not, it was maybe a big reason why i never brought him home to meet the parents.  i wasn't as aware of it then, as i am now.  this is an acknowledgement of my part while being in this past relationship, not an accusation of what the other person was.  i am and will always be responsible for my own actions and responses regardless of what another person does.